What a week!
by Gimli2003
Summary: Daniel has his worst week at the SGC ever. Now complete!
1. Monday

Title/Author: What a Week / by Gimli2003  
  
Season/Spoilers:7 / none at all  
  
Rating/Content:G, maybe PG  
  
Category:Humor  
  
Summary:Daniel's POV on the week from Hell  
  
Author's Note:I wrote this while bored. No point to it other than having fun with Daniel.  
  
What a Week  
  
By Gimli2003  
  
Monday  
  
5:45Wake up to a lot of noise. My alarm clock, most likely. Curse Sam for getting me alarm clock. Curse Jack for reminding Sam about me not having an alarm clock.  
  
5:46Noise still there. Curse self for accepting alarm clock in the first place. Decide now would be a good time to open eyes. Open eyes. It is the alarm clock. Smash hand down on alarm clock.  
  
5:47Curse loudly in Chinese as pain from hand reaches brain. Thrash about under covers feeling sorry for self. Alarm clock still not off. Pick up alarm clock and throw it at wall.  
  
5:49Remember as hear glass break that wall has a window. Fall back asleep not caring.  
  
6:43Wake up to pounding noise. Curse amorous couple upstairs for being amorous. Vaguely wish for someone to be amorous with.  
  
6:44Remember that, as I live on top of apartment complex, there is no couple upstairs. Wonder where pounding is coming from. Oh it's the door. Get up, go to door.  
  
6:45Open door, see policemen. That's police-men, plural. Do funny double take and ask how I can help officers.  
  
6:46Wonder what I did to piss off God so much to justify being arrested.  
  
6:47Question is answered as I'm escorted outside to see post-man in stretcher being tended to by paramedic. See broken alarm clock lying near-by. I hate my life.  
  
7:12Ride to precinct fun. Got fingerprinted, joy. Now sharing cell with couple of very large low-lifes eying me like piece of meat. Can only hope time for phone call comes very soon.  
  
7:15Yay, phone call time. Wait, no? Someone's already here for me? Oh, even better. Day is looking up. Just don't let it be Jack. Anyone but Jack.  
  
7:16Damn it, even worse: it's Janet. Blush about thirteen shades of crimson while she hands pack containing clothes and stuff to me. I want to die. Have to make appointment with desk clerk to go over charges for assaulting a government employee later on.  
  
7:44Ride to SGC silent, mostly. She laughed non-stop for five minutes at alarm-clock story. Glad I could help. If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself. On plus note, do love to hear her laugh.  
  
7:46Meet Jack in elevator. He asks what the reason for my tardiness is. Stall, stall, just fourteen more floors. Thirteen. Twelve.  
  
7:47Janet already told him. Blush furiously as Jack goes into hysterics.  
  
7:48Ask Janet to use 'really big needles' for his next exam as I get off elevator. Vaguely register Jacks indignant 'Hey!' Smile to self and proceed to quarters. I think her smile meant 'yes.'  
  
7:50Arrive at quarters. Place in disarray after Jack forced me out for weekend. Remember comment about 'fun' and 'sleeping in.' Make mental note to 'forget' Jack's coffee for next mission.  
  
7:51Put stuff down on desk. Feel like I should be doing something. Can't remember what. Eat granola bar breakfast while racking memory for elusive important task.  
  
7:52Post-it on desk reminds me: doing briefing for mission to PSX something-something at 0800. Quickly proceed to panic.  
  
7:53Gather together stuff needed for briefing and run out door to briefing room.  
  
7:54Run back INTO quarters, pick up briefing materials forgotten in panic, and run back OUT to briefing room.  
  
7:59Made it with a minute to spare. Go me! Wave off concern from Sam and General at arriving breathless. Time to start briefing.  
  
8:08Damn Jack and his tardiness. That's my job! Oh, here he is. Shoot him dirty look. He ignores it. As usual. Time to start briefing.  
  
8:19Briefing going well. Jack's only dozed off once. Sam is all ears, as usual. Hammond listening politely, obviously oblivious to why Mayans and Chinese together on same planet is fascinating. Teal'c is...Teal'c. Go figure.  
  
8:22Jack is asleep again. Glance at Sam. Sam kicks Jack. Jack wakes up. Go Sam!  
  
8:25General approves mission, leaving at 13:00 hours. Wohoo! Do mental jig.  
  
8:26Dismissed. Gather papers and run out of door for coffee machine.  
  
8:27Run into Sgt. Siler on way to coffee machine. Oww. Oh, look, stars. Uh-oh, started going black. Not good-  
  
8:29Come to with pretty face standing over me. Janet again. She's laughing at me. Again. Don't blame her, really. Well, at least she's happy to see me, that's a plus. What? Oh, the infirmary. Ok, sure, let's go. Really a mark to how messed up I am that I don't protest.  
  
8:34Ah, the infirmary. So many memories, which I really don't want to remember right now. This will probably take a while.  
  
8:55Poked, prodded, and questioned, but still in one piece. Painful experience, as usual, though not sure if that's due to knock on the head or rough handling by new nurse. Oh well, time to go catch up on paperwork before mission.  
  
8:57Remember reason for running in first place: coffee. And heaven above, there's a machine for it right now!  
  
9:01Much better, can actually open eyelids all the way now. Now, what level am I on again?  
  
9:02Run into Makepeace. Spill precious lifeblood of the morning all over front, scalding self. Daniel Jackson, doctor of archaeology, though Indiana Jones-ish adventurer I am not. Swear at Makepeace in Abydonian and go BACK to infirmary. Wonder if I should just rent a room there?  
  
9:09Burns treated, time to get to back paperwork. Joy.  
  
9:14Ah, my quarters. Sanctuary at last. Nothing can harm me here.  
  
9:15Mentally revise last statement as I trip over own trashcan. I hate this place.  
  
10:44Mountains of paperwork done. Man I'm good at this. Wonder if I should apply for desk job? Probably less trips to infirmary involved. Okay, next mountain of paperwork-oh wait, those are candy bar wrappers. Nevermind.  
  
10:47After searching candy stash, come up empty. Not good, must have been raided by someone other than me recently. Hmm, which members of SG-1 to interrogate first? Never mind, skip it, sugar cravings coming on.  
  
10:48Out of door, heading for candy machine on next level up, but not before tripping over shoelaces on way out. What is WITH me today?!  
  
10:50Ah, there's the candy machine. And there's the line five people long for the candy machine. Grrr. Wonder if they'd let me go first if I threatened to die on them? Nah, candy isn't worth it. Besides, I keep coming back, so they'd never take it seriously.  
  
10:55Finally! How can one man take three minutes deciding on a candy bar?! At least I know what I want. Or do I?  
  
10:56Yes, I do.  
  
10:57But then again?  
  
10:58Okay, now I really do know what I want...I think. Yes, I do. Insert quarters, pick snack.  
  
10:59Promptly get pissy as machine refuses to dispense stuck candy bar. Grrrr. Commence pounding.  
  
11:00Pounding not working. Commence kicking.  
  
11:01Okay, not doing that again. One broken toe is enough, thank you. Hmm, maybe if I get down and reach up inside of the machine...  
  
11:02...I could get my arm stuck like it is now. Perfect. What? No, I will NOT grab you a Milky Way while I'm at it, Jack. Wait, Jack? Turn head and hope he isn't really there.  
  
11:03Colonel's insignia, baseball cap, silver hair, dopey grin. Yep, it's Jack. What the...? Wow, thank you Jack, for actually helping me out of this instead of making a cute remark for once.  
  
11:04And there's that cute little remark I mentioned. Oh well, at least my arm is free, though a little sore. Resist urge to backhand Jack with free arm. Back to my quarters, lust for sugar gone.  
  
11:08Maybe I should take a nap for a while. I can't hurt myself while I'm asleep, right? Right? Probably. Throw myself on bed and zonk out for a while.  
  
12:50Wake up Jackson. Something's buzzing. If Jack's taking a razor to my hair again, not even a sarcophagous will be able to help him. Open eyes.  
  
12:52Nope, just my alarm. Hmmm, why did I set my alarm for 12:40-THE MISSION!  
  
12:53Jump out of bed and pack materials relevant to mission in backpack. Run out of door, NOT hurting self instantaneously this time (go me!) and run towards gate room.  
  
12:54My hat! Back to room, get hat. Need it against sun, since I burn easily and am apparently allergic to most types of calamine lotion. Figures. Run back toward gate room.  
  
12:56When did they install a slip-and-slide in the SGC corridors? Oh, just the janitor mopping. Either way, I'm on the floor. Again. Me and gravity seem to be rather friendly today. Now I know why the Air Force has such a high yearly budget: my medical bills.  
  
12:58Arrive in gate room intact (mostly) and…early? What reality is this anyways? What Sam? I have suds in my hair? Oh, nevermind that, it's just part of Daniel Jackson's patented new 'hugging the ground' look.  
  
13:00Hammond gives us a go. Thank you General. Time for me to injure myself somewhere besides this planet, which seems very insistent on spending much time with me face-to-face today. And throught the Stargate we go.  
  
13:01I like this planet. Not too hot, no clouds in sight, no Jaffa threatening to kill us, and are those Mayan temples with a Chinese influence I see in the hills? Sweet! What's that Jack? Yes, there are trees, though I'm sure they're friendly. Trees usually are.  
  
13:02Revise last statement as tree purposely lifts root to trip me. No, it DID lift its roots, I'm not imagining it. What's that curling around my leg? Ah, the tree is attacking!  
  
13:03Teal'c blasts root. Yes Teal'c, many thanks for freeing my leg from the tree. Let's vamos, people!  
  
13:24Getting closer to temple ruins (and staying away from trees) every minute. Will be there soon. Sam wants to stop at little creek and take soil samples. Sounds good, I missed lunch anyways. Let's eat.  
  
13:35After appetizing meal of tuna-fish-tasting MREs (which are actually supposed to taste like banana, so says the wrapper) Sam finishes soil samples and we move on.  
  
13:48Bugs, lotsa bugs. I hate bugs. Figures this would be the ONE planet with lots of the little bloodsuckers that we visit when I forget to back bug repellant. Why not the desert? I like the desert. I like it because there are no bugs.  
  
14:03A few miles, and many bugs bites, later, we get to the temple ruins. One word: wow. Another word: big. I've got my work cut out for me.  
  
19:15Five hours, a couple of digital video disks, and many, many, MANY etchings later, time to eat again. What mislabeled MRE monstrosity awaits us this time? Will the schnozberries taste like schnozberries, I wonder?  
  
19:16An upside-down-day, huh? It sounds interesting but what is it, Sam? Oh, breakfast for dinner? I like. Yes Jack, we can see you brought home the bacon, now let's get those pancakes started.  
  
20:35Figures I get the bacon that's undercooked. Well, maybe Teal'c too, though I doubt simple food poisoning would hurt him. Lucky guy, our Jaffa. Ohh, is that a worm in the dirt? Thank you for the reminder, welcome back dry heaves.  
  
20:47On plus side, feeling better. Maybe I really don't need to go back to the infirmary and we can stay the night in the ruins after all. On the down side, Jack will die by my hand for using that non-stick cooking spray he KNOWS I'm allergic to. I wonder how much trouble it would be to have a symbiote implanted in me?  
  
21:32Relieve myself in bushes before settling down for the night. At least I don't have watch, being sick. A plus side to being me, wow. Are you sure this isn't an alternate reality?  
  
21:40Last thought before falling asleep: tomorrow can't POSSIBLY be worse than today. And I know I just jinxed any chance of that being true. Oh well, sleepy time.  
  
TBC  
  
// Next up: Tuesday! (betcha didn't see THAT coming, did ya?)  
  
//You WILL click the button. You WILL review. Do it, or the dwarf will get…weirdly frustrated.   
  
//You wouldn't like me when I'm weirdly frustrated. (Trust me, I certainly don't) 


	2. Tuesday

// Tuesdays with Daniel, can they be any worse than Mondays? Find out below.  
  
// See previous chapter for details  
  
// Authors Note: Darnit, forgot to go legal in Chapter one again! Okay, for the kabillionth time, I don't own this stuff, just the  
  
// story. Which is unfortunate, because if I DID own them, I'd use the money to establish a channel on cable showing nothing but  
  
// X-Files, Babylon 5, and Stargate all day long. Heaven on the TV, yum!  
  
Tuesday  
  
6:45Wake up to familiar sound. As have heard that sound a billion and one times in my life, am readily able to place it: staff weapon discharge. Teal'c, there are easier ways to start a fire, y'know.  
  
6:46Another staff weapon blast, not so close this time, meaning more than one staff weapon, meaning not just Teal'c, meaning Jaffa, meaning bad. Sit up as adrenaline rushes into system. Oooohoo, that's feels weird; what a rush. Speaking of which, I need coffee.  
  
6:47Decide coffee can wait after EXTREMELY close staff weapon blast singes hair, cheek, and burns off right side of glasses as I try to put them on. Reach for zat and spray electric death into bushes Teal'c is shooting at. I really liked those glasses too!  
  
6:48Staff weapon blast explodes four inches from crotch. Sprayed with dirt and burned sleeping bag. Decide now would be a good time to move it. Commence panicky-'I'm-not-trained-for-combat'-archaeologists-running-into-temple-for-cover-while-teammates-blast-bad-Jaffa-into-oblivion maneuver.  
  
6:49Trip over fallen section of ruins just as staff weapon flies into where my head just was. I will never complain about being clumsy again. On the down side, hit head hard, hello blackness.  
  
6:56Come to with Teal'c standing over me. Not best image in the world to wake up to: big Jaffa warrior with staff weapon standing over you. Still, glad it's our good Jaffa, which means bad Jaffa gone.  
  
6:57Thank you Teal'c, but I do not require assistance with my injury. Human beings are perfectly capable of being a part of an SG team after repeated head injuries. Just look at Jack.  
  
6:58Jack thinks we should head out. I'm not going to disagree, since it seems this planets ruins attract the minions of galactic evil. Shoulder stuff, start humping (that has always seemed like SUCH a rude term to me; why can't they just say 'walking with a heavy pack') down the hill towards the Stargate.  
  
7:11Trip back to gate mostly quite, except for Jacks random jokes. Still jumpy about possible Jaffa in area…or maybe that's caffeine withdrawl. I had no coffee so either is possible. Well, at least the trip is uneventful.  
  
7:13Quite reverie interrupted by ground giving way beneath my feet. Falling, ouch, dark, pain, crap.  
  
7:14Am I okay? Jack, I just fell thirty feet, hitting multiple roots and rocks on the way down, my right ankle is twisted, I've got dust in my eyes, my hands are cut by the rocks, and I haven't had any coffee! OF COURSE I'M NOT ALL RIGHT. Look around for rock to throw at Jack for asking stupid questions.  
  
7:15As it is very dark, can't see my own hand in front of face, so abandon rock idea. Jack says he'll throw down a rope. Didn't think we had any rope.  
  
7:16Sam points out we don't have any rope. I knew it. Roll eyes at Jacks suggestion that we make some rope. The man never ceases to amaze me.  
  
7:17Stay here? Well, I was going to psychicly teleport myself back home, after stopping by Abydoss to visit Skaara and the family, then hail an Asgard taxi back to Earth and have them drop me off at the 7-11 near my apartment, but because you think it's best, Jack, I'll stay here.  
  
7:38Spent the past twenty minutes imaging things to do to Jack to make up for him not bringing rope on the mission. Hmm, scorpions would be a good punishment.  
  
7:41Jack asks if I have the rope. Maybe snakes would be better for him.  
  
7:42CLIMB my way up?! Forget it, it's sharks for the good Colonel.  
  
7:43What's that? Eyes, a little yellow pair of eyes. Funny, I didn't know the hair on the back of my neck could stand up that fast. Hmm, let's throw a ration bar at it, see if it leaves.  
  
7:44That sounded like a pretty solid hit to me. Uh-oh, the thing is growling. Not good. Zat the darn thing. Get a look at the thing as zat goes off: teeth, claws, lotsa big muscles. Well, at least it's down now.  
  
7:45I really hope I'm seeing double-wait, make that triple...ok, what's doubled but for seven things? Tell me all those pairs of eyes aren't real. VERY not good. Guys, need help.  
  
7:46Oww, what the-? Oooh, a vine, good thinking guys. Yes, now pull me up…now please. Guys, PULL ALREADY! Thank you, thank you God-oww, head, pain, blackness-  
  
7:53Face is wet. Why is my face wet? Eyes see...Jack...and a canteen. That's it, scorpions, snakes, AND sharks, for him.  
  
9: 26Two minutes from the Gate, thank you Lord. I don't know what was worse, waiting for Jack to get me out of that hole, or listening to him whistle 'This is the song that never ends' for an hour straight on the way home. Next hole I fall in, I'm pulling him in too.  
  
9:27I must be getting PTSS, cause I thought I just heard a staff weapon go off. Oomph, oh, hello again ground.  
  
9:28Yep, that was a staff weapon. Thanks Teal'c I owe you one. Now I can panic from behind cover instead of panic in the open. Sam and Jack take cover behind a rock. Haven't Jaffa ever heard of using cover?  
  
9:29Guess not, since Sam, Jack, and Teal'c just wiped out about twelve of them that were standing out in the open. Oh yeah, I zatted a couple, too. Go me! Wait, I know that sound: gliders. Run, run like Anubis himself is chasing us, towards the Stargate.  
  
9:30Ok, at Stargate. Sam dials, thing goes whoosh, Jack signals with GDO. Gliders are blasting away behind us. Y'know, for guys in starfighters with big honking guns (great, I'm starting to THINK like Jack, now), they sure have crappy aim. Everyone jumps through Stargate and-YIKES!  
  
9:31After familiar spectacle of whooshing through wormhole for the millionth and first time, fall out of Stargate at SGC on top of pile consisting of Jack, Sam, and Teal'c. Yes, hello General. Say, as you're not currently doing anything, how about grabbing some pliers and removing the SIX INCH PIECE OF SHRAPHNEL STICKING OUT OF MY ASS!  
  
9:32Carted off to infirmary, thankfully laid on my stomach. Great, not even three hours into the day and I'm off to surgery. God must be getting a ton of laughs at my expense.  
  
9:34Never noticed this before, but no one ever seems surprised when I come in here. In fact, lots of those nurses look sort of…happy to see me? I don't even know who some of these people are, why would they be looking…at me…like…that?  
  
9:35Curtains, must close curtains. Separate self from mass of incoming lust-ridden nurses, help please! I need Teal'c to teach me some of those scowls that he uses so effectively, they might work in situations like these. There's the nearest curtains, now reach and, uh-oh, falling, ow.  
  
9:36Ah good, here comes Janet. Yes, scatter people, scatter to the winds and never come back. Phew, safe at last. Okay, back on the bed, I know that look. Now doc, if you could extract that mammoth piece of metal from my behind I'd-OWWW. I take back everything I ever said about your delicate, caring instincts, you are a mistress of PAIN!  
  
9:37What, that's it? That tiny little piece of rock is all that was lodged in there? Good lord, I'm pathetic. Thanks for the painkillers Doc, now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to shrivel up into a tiny ball, and die of embarrassment. No, no let's not drag out the process by examining my-actually, do go ahead, probe the bump on my head, feel around my twisted ankle. The longer I'm back HERE, the more I can delay being out THERE. Jack, aka my humiliator, waits there.  
  
9:38Good, done with my torture session-I mean physical. Oh, pain meds, goody goody. Thanks. Wonder if she'd mind doing Jack next, give me an escape vector?  
  
9:39Smile means yes, sweet. Now, to limp back to my quarters. Actually, make that, run to my quarters. Run Daniel, RUN from the horny nurses.  
  
9:42Ah, my quarters. Can't be hurt here. Nope I'm good-whoops.  
  
9:43Stupid candy wrapper, making me fall on my ass. Wow, that did NOT feel good. Okay, back to work. We have a debriefing at 1100 hours.  
  
10:16Going over the notes and stuff I made on the planet, I realize that the temple was once used by Yu as a sort of getaway for his most esteemed servants and warriors. Apparently, some of the local plants could be smoked to attain some sort of euphoric state. Yu let his people use it as a reward for good service. Too bad, I could have used some of that stuff earlier for my ankle. Hmm, maybe Hammond would let us go back in a few weeks?  
  
10:48Okay, managed to assemble everything I needed for the debriefing with only one papercut. That has to be a new record for me. Everything's in order, now...carefully, one foot at a time…get out of the room. Eye open for belligerent candy wrappers.  
  
10:49Made it to door without loosing footing once. I rule!  
  
10:51Almost to briefing room. Nothing untoward has happened yet. Maybe I left my daily dose of bad luck back on that planet, for once.  
  
10:52While passing under fan, device activates, spraying papers everywhere. Come back, come back little ones! Don't abandon daddy when he needs you!  
  
10:56Ignoring snickers from juvenile marines, finally manage to collect wayward papers. From now on, I do NOT let Jack borrow my stapler. Let him borrow Sams, or Teal'cs. Teal'c never use his anyways.  
  
10:59Hah, beat the clock again. Okay, everyone's here, and by everyone I mean Sam, Teal'c, and me. $10 on Jack being 2 minutes late. Oh Sam, feeling lucky today, are we? All right, 3 minutes, you're on.  
  
11:04I swear, they did that on purpose; they must be in cahoots. Jack is looking WAY too smug. Oh well, let's begin the humiliation of Daniel on PB-whatever.  
  
11:26Briefing hasn't been THAT bad so far. Managed to leave out parts where I got sick and where I knocked myself out. Yes Jack, lips shut, or I'll SHOW you a good use for my stapler. Now, about our trip back.  
  
11:27The man will die by my hand. He made it sound like we could all see the frickin' hole! And not only that...oh no, he didn't. He did NOT just tell Hammond I blacked out. A rock hit me on the head, you moron! Must...restrain...homicidal...urges.  
  
11:28'I've had worse missions?!' I'm not quite sure how to take that particular remark from Hammond. Well, it really doesn't matter, seeing as how Sam is up next. Let's get a seat where I can kick Jack when needed.  
  
11:29Crafty bastard, only Teal'c can reach him. You can run, but you can't hide Jack. For this, I'll drink all YOUR coffee tomorrow, too.  
  
11:48Sam's been going on for a while, now. How did she know the planet we visited had orbited a blue star? And how did she know it had recently undergone a massive tectonic shift? And how did my half-asleep head end up propped on my hand in such a precarious position?  
  
11:49Yikes, what-owww! Damnit, don't startle me like that, general! I said as much in my report, I didn't have any coffee today. Ouch, poor chin, poor jaw. Uh-oh, I'm getting 'the look' from Sam. Not good.  
  
11:54Yes yes, good mission, you're proud of us, blah blah blah. Can we go now? (Note to self: ask Janet if thinking like Jack is sign of mental breakdown). We're dismissed, good. Run, RUN from the angry astrophysicist.  
  
11:55Run, RUN into the petite base CMO because you weren't watching where you were going. She'll kill me, she'll kill me nice and slow like the master torturer she-what? Looking for me? Oh, that doesn't sound good, I don't-damnit woman, stop smiling at me like that, it brings down my defenses.  
  
11:56Case in point, right here: a few soft words, a pull on the arm, and a smile is all it takes to lure me back into Janets House of Pain. Man, I'm such a pushover.  
  
11:59Okay, I'm here, ready to die. What next? Have a seat? There's a seat in my quarters, can I go back to get it? Okay, humor doesn't work here. Comply with order while she goes to get what she needs to show me. Keeping eye peeled for trouble in meantime.  
  
12:00Danger, danger Daniel Jackson. Libibinous nurse incoming at 11 o'clock, which means I've kept her waiting for an hour, now. Quick, diversion, DIVERSION. Ohh, tray. Push, tray goes down.  
  
12:01YES, it worked, she has to stop and clean it up. Don't look at me like that, I know that look. Hathor had that look. You just stay away until Janet gets back, I trust her not to try and-oh, nevermind, here she is.  
  
12:02Uh, what happened? I...uh...crap, think man, think. Man I'm thirsty, so very-no, that's not going to help...or will it? Water fountain, say you were going to the water fountain to get a drink. Hurry, she's getting suspicious.  
  
12:03Uh, we don't have a water fountain on this level? Oh, I see. Tell her you haven't had coffee today, that might work. Whew, she bought that. Okay, now what's wrong with me THIS time?  
  
12:05I suppose it should bother me that I can't understand half of what she's saying (MAN, I need coffee) but I really don't care. I'm away from Sam, who's going to try to kill me, so all is right with the world.  
  
12:06Huh? No, of course I don't understand what you just said. I told you, I haven't had any coffee, today. Are people just not listening to me? C'mon doc, I speak 28 languages but medicalese is not one of them.  
  
12:07Alien thingies...in my body. Simple bacteria...infection of my blood, yadda yadda yaddda. In other words, another day to spend sick in the infirmary, right? Right, knew it. And those anti-biotics taste SO nasty. Well, at least Sam can't kill me here, right? Right?  
  
15:47Well, I must say I'm a little disappointed. No-one from SG-1 comes to see me for over three hours after I leave the briefing room. Humph, some friends I have. Janet wouldn't even let me make an SF get some work from my quarters, either; something about total rest, giving meds a chance to work. Isn't she my doctor? Shouldn't she be worried about my MENTAL health, too? Doesn't she know that no work and no play make Daniel go crazy? Man, I'm so BORED! This place only has 17 magazines…and I finished those an hour ago.  
  
15:48Ohh, it's Teal'c. Heya buddy, took you long enough to come and find me. What? Nah, just some blood parasites, I've died from worse. Oh my sweet merciful God, is that a brownie? Sweet, sweet sweets, Teal'c you are the BEST! Thanks and, please, tell Sam I'm sorry and I'd appreciate it if she doesn't harbor an urge to kill me.  
  
15:49I think I confused him. Oh well, he has to go meditate, and stuff. Think I'll grab a nap. Mmmm, soft pillow.  
  
19:33Weird noises. Why are there weird noises? Open eyes, look around. Why is everyone wearing fur loincloths and chanting like cavemen? Not that I'm complaining, many of these women look very nice in fur loincloths. But are the bones through their noses really necessary?  
  
19:34Here comes Janet and...wow! I mean, wow! No bulky loincloth for her, just a slim, silky white toga. Can't believe I never noticed how very nice her figure is. Oh, cool, she was intricate hieroglyphic symbols painted on her arms and shoulders, with the caduceus symbol on her forehead. Is it really pathetic that I'm getting distracted from a beautiful woman's body by trying to read the writing on her arms? She's also speaking in fluent Greek, very interesting, very interesting indeed-  
  
19:35-wait, this is wrong! The people in the SGC don't dress like this, what's wrong with me? Better ask Janet…Janet the medicine goddess descended from the top of Olympus to find a human worthy of her-no, banish the thought Jackson!  
  
19:36I know that voice, it's Jack. Hey Jack, come help me and-yikes! How many Rambo movies did he watch while I was away today? He looks like Stallone from First Blood, massive machine gun, red bandanna, and everything, and he's spouting some German stream of words about 'must kill the commies and terrorists.' Okay, I'm officially freaked out now.  
  
19:37Enacting plan 'Jackson B': run like Hell from source of perceived danger. Getting past Jack shouldn't be that hard, he's much older than-oomph!  
  
19:38Great, add a sore neck to my list of injuries. And you DID TOO mean to clothsline me, Jack! Yes, thank you, deposit me on my bed, where Janet the Olympian beauty of healing will protect me from-is that a needle?  
  
19:39What about resting? What's resting have to do with a needle? Can't I rest without one-ouch. That really wasn't necessary I...feel...tired. Ohh, pillow.  
  
TBC  
  
// Next time: Wednesday! (what could come after that I wonder?)  
  
//The button calls for you. If says: 'I am the magic button of the review. Push me, push me, push me, push me, push me...WHY  
  
//HAVEN'T YOU PUSHED ME YET!?!' Yes, it's a very rude, insistent little button. 


	3. Wednesday

// Wednesday is known to some as 'hump day', since it's the middle of the week. What does that mean for // Daniel?  
  
// See previous chapter for details  
  
// Authors Note: Okay, it's getting kind of hard to top successive days, but I'm doing my best, so bare  
  
// with me. I swear, each new story/update shows me deeper depths of my own insanity…it's oh so FUN   
  
// to be insane!!!  
  
Wednesday  
  
4:58What IS that incessant beeping noise? Think I've heard it before. Often in a certain place in the SGC that I spend more time in than any human being in history. Yes, Daniel Jacksons second home is a hospital bed. Better open eyes, confirm theory.  
  
4:59Yep, infirmary. Beeping thing is my heart monitor. The smell of rubbing alcohol should have given it away immediately. I think that's the reason I have such a low tolerance for alcohol: I spend so much time here that the stuff has invaded by bloodstream and set up a permanent residence in my bone marrow. If I were ever autopsied, they'd find a %2 concentration of pure alcohol in my blood.  
  
5:00Footsteps, but belonging to who? Or is it whom? God, Jack would never let me live it down if he knew I didn't know which one it was. Getting closer...please don't let it be a libidinous nurse. I swear, one of them MUST have stolen my boxers last week; they don't just disappear for no reason when I'm in the shower. Ok, footsteps almost here...maybe I should pretend to be asleep. Yeah, sure, I'm a good actor, why wouldn't they believe-crap, too late! It's Janet! And she's...oh my God, I didn't. I did not just say, 'You look normal.' Beginning preparation for the afterlife now.  
  
5:01Wow, she laughed. Did I mention I love her laugh? Note to self: make Janet laugh more often, because she's pretty when-NO, don't GO there! She's your doctor AND a major in the military, which means, instead of just ten, she knows one hundred ways to deliver you to a painful death. Plus, she knows your track record with women: if not inhabited by Goa'uld host, do not apply. So there, that possibility is eclipsed. Huh, she just said something, what was that again?  
  
5:02...I see, foreign little nasties in blood did nothing until given massive dose of sugar, then made lots of little baby nasties (that sounds wrong, somehow-nevermind, pay attention!). Little baby nasties and adult nasties release weird chemical that messed up neuro-transmitters in brain, hence seeing and hearing very weird things. All nasties gone, since so little sugar left in blood that they all starved to death. Okay, makes sense, but why is her hand moving...over...there?  
  
5:03Oh, she's releasing my restraints. Whew, for a second there I thought-no, not thinking, thinking is bad, is evil, think NOTHING about her. Also, note to self: when actively not thinking about person, do not scrunch up eyes in concentration in their presence. Makes them ask if you're all right, like she just did. Nod your head, tell her you're fine. Good, now follow up with convincing line of babbling and stuff; it works on Jack.  
  
5:04Forgot that Janet is MUCH smarter than Jack. Darnit, keeping me till 9 for observation. Well, if I'm going to be here another few hours for observation, at least I won't be tied down. Hmm, I wonder, did she tie me down or-what about NOT GOING THERE did you not understand, hmmm?! Ohh, is that a new magazine? I hope word never gets out that I read all three most recent issues of Glamour and Vogue. Hey, I was in the infirmary and I was bored. Subtly reach for nearby magazine.  
  
5:05Am reaching for magazine when am surrounded by weird white light. Next thing I know, have fallen to floor. It hurt. What the heck...wait, I recognize this sort of interior: I'm on an Asgard ship.  
  
5:06While collecting self from floor, which I seem to be doing a lot of these days, Jack appears doing that weird...holo-projection thing. He's at the helm with Sam, Teal'c, and Thor. Well, I DID want to get out of the infirmary. Walk to the bridge.  
  
5:06After leaving room, realize that I don't know where the bridge is. Walk back to room, face grinning Jack holo-thing. No, I didn't know where the bridge was, so stop smiling like a moron and tell me already!  
  
5:09After receiving instructions for how to get to bridge, have walked halfway there. At least, I THINK I'm halfway there.  
  
5:14Have I seen that sign before? Nah, probably just an Asgard restroom sign, they'd be all over the place.  
  
5:18Get the distinct feeling that Jack did not give me proper instructions, since I'm fairly certain what I'm looking at now is the engine core. It's big, gives off light, and makes this weird humming noise. That's what the engine core always looks like in Star Trek, at least.  
  
5:19Jack-holo-thingie appears behind me, scaring me out of my pants. He must have done that on purpose. No, really Jack? MAY have given me wrong directions? Yes, please just 'beam me' up there. Wait, have Sam do it; you'd deposit me in the center of the sun, knowing your sense of direction. And we've got the weird white light again-  
  
5:20Ahh, bridge, this is more like it. Hold back on urge to hit Jack. Am very successful as have had years of practice at this. And there's Thor, pint-sized protector of the Asgard race. Wonder what it is THIS time?  
  
5:21New breed of replicators, very dangerous, threatening Asgard race, the usual. Oh, this time they're planet-side and have a weird shielding thing protecting their 'hive', so aerial assault no good. No big metal sources, so they're very small in number (for a replicator swarm). Must send in ground troops. Have a sneaking suspicion that means SG-1, which invokes another sneaking suspicion that I'll be visiting the infirmary again soon. Good ol' Thor gives us the gate address, asks that we do anything we can, then we take the weird white light tunnel back to Earth.  
  
5:22Specifically, General Hammonds office. Wow, subtle doesn't even begin to cover Thors modus operandi. Almost worth it to see the look on the Generals face. Notice I said almost. The reason for this? The General dropping his full coffee mug on my foot out of surprise. Another reason it's an almost: the scalding hot coffee soaking into my boots and pants. Major ouch, here.  
  
5:23Ok, have stopped jumping up and down and swearing, which happened in foreign languages, fortunately; don't think the general would take very kindly to me after what I just called his mother. As some of that was in Arabic, I think Jack might have partially understood me. Will blackmail Jack to keep his mouth shut later. For now, I'll let me teammates go and present the replicator attack plan to the General while I go see if Janet can regrow a burned off foot.  
  
5:29Yes, hello fellow denizens of the infirmary, I'm back, again. Not even 6 o'clock in the morning and already I've been here twice. Not a good start to the day. Let's go find the keeper of pain meds and restore my foot to it's pre-burned state. Ahh, there she is. What? No, I didn't leave, I was beamed up to meet Thor. No, seriously. Fine, I'll get back into bed (don't go there Jackson, you know what I'm talking about).  
  
5:45While foot is being bandaged and such, Jack came down and said Hammond had authorized a mission to...wherever the replicators were. 'If we don't help our allies, they won't us', that sort of stuff. For once, I'm kinda reluctant to help out our allies. The past 48 hours have been awe-inspiring in regards to my ability to get myself into trouble. Leaving at 1200 hours? Joy. Well, I'm gonna be stuck here under observation till 0900, anyways. That'll give me a little under three hours to go back to my quarters and get my will drafted.  
  
8:59Given pain meds by Janet, warned that I'm to take two every twelve hours, max, otherwise I'll knock myself unconscious. C'mon, I only did that once...if you don't count the two times after that. And I was only out for a few hours...or twelve...or whatever. Yes, I get the point. Can I leave now? Good.  
  
9:05Find way to quarters without injuring self, yes! Now, open door-  
  
9:06-run into Teal'c. More accurately, run into door as it is being pushed open by Teal'c. Add broken nose to collection of injuries recently sustained. No no, Teal'c, no need to apologize; I should have know better than to approach a simple thing like a door like it wasn't an instrument of death. And about-face! To the infirmary.  
  
9:11I'm guessing that Janet not being surprised by my being in here AGAIN means she's had some sort of prophetic dream that I will break some Guiness record concerning me being the clumsiest man in the world today. Yep, it's my nose Doc, you see Teal'c-OWWW! YES, IT'S OBVIOUSLY BROKEN! Ooops, receiving patented 'CMO glare of death'; that's what I get for thinking such thoughts out loud. I'll go hide myself behind that curtain now, thanks.  
  
9:12Okay, maybe she's forgotten about my little outburst by now. Maybe she won't perform some totally unnecessary test using a huge needle on my spine in retribution. Maybe I should stop thinking such thoughts before I scare myself pantless; that would be a very bad idea, especially seeing the attitude most of the nurses here seem to have towards me.  
  
9:13Thoughts of horror endured at hands of randy nurses interrupted by swooshing aside of curtain by one Doc Fraiser, who doesn't look ready to experiment on me, thank god. Answer question about little accident with Teal'c and evil door. And it's my own door, is the sad part. Apparently it's been lurking in wait all these years to spring it's attack on me. Devious little bastard piece of metal.  
  
9:18Nose set in one of those little nose...bandage...thingies. Thanks Janet, now if I just get an armed escort back to my quarters to forestall any further injury, I'll be set. On second thought, cancel that; knowing my luck, one of the SFs would accidently fire their weapon into my good foot.  
  
9:25Having made way back to quarters very slowly and VERY carefully, manage to arrive in one piece. Pack up stuff necessary for trip with SG teams 1, 3, and 5. Why do I have to go, anyways? Not like the replicators are gonna ask us in for tea and biscuits over a round of diplomatic talks in the Ancient tongue, or anything.  
  
9:26Stomach reminds me that I haven't eaten in over thirteen hours. Wonder if sustinence in commissary if worth pain incurred by trip throughout the dangerous halls of the SGC. Stomach wins in the end.  
  
9:27Manage to get past evil door without hurting self. Yes, it knows I'm onto its evil ways now. Careful, careful Jackson. Carefully make way to commissary.  
  
9:33Okay, this is taking forever. I'm almost there; gonna chance normal walking speed. Look there's the door, I made it after all-and now I'm flying through the air like a little squirrel. Stupid jello on the floor.  
  
9:34Look at that, an airman broken my fall. My luck is looking up, for once. Apologize to airman...big, beefy airman who looks like he's definitely holding a grudge. Wish those self-defense moves Teal'c and Jack had taught me would enter my mind about now.  
  
9:35Airman is convinced to move on by sudden presence of Teal'c next to me. Never been so glad to see ya, buddy, even if you and my evil door did recently break my nose. Let's eat!  
  
9:36Turns out I was so busy dreading the danger to be found on the way to the commissary that I didn't think about the danger to be found INSIDE the commissary. The food, to be exact. If that a burrito, or plastic explosive? Think I'll settle for cereal instead, thanks. The muffins are tempting, but I think it would be best today to not to approach a piece of food that looks like a miniature mushroom cloud.  
  
9:42Managed to eat a meal without harming myself, wow. Hopefully I haven't used up my tiny puddle of good luck for today on this. Huh, join you in Kel'noreem before the mission? Thank you Teal'c, but I'd probably accidentally put myself in a coma, knowing my luck so far this week. See you at 12:00  
  
9:48Trip back to quarters completed without further injury. That's not good. Something must be waiting in there to hurt me...or my evil door is planning something, well, evil. Wonder if Teal'c is in there again waiting to attack me with the door. Come to think of it, why WAS Teal'c in there anyways? If he went through my candy stash, he's a dead man...er, Jaffa.  
  
9:49Get through door, into room, and to desk without hazard. Huh, that was suspiciously easy. Well, better get going and draft that will.  
  
11:52Two hours of translation later, it's almost time to go face my inevitable doom on yet another alien planet. Surprisingly relaxed about it, actually. I guess dying a dozen times over the course of a decade will do that to you. Change into BDUs and get ready for metallic bug-kicking action. Doh, forgot to make out my will.  
  
11:58Arrive in embarkation room without injury. That's two miracles in less than three hours, I should be nominated for Sainthood. SG-3 and –5 are here too, looking all mean and marine-like, as usual. Good thing Ferretti is on SG-3, I know Lawrence doesn't like me. His expression just screams, "I hate little geeky scientists who are ten times smarter than me using only half their brain."  
  
11:59Hammond wishes us all well and hopes that we kill a lot of bugs (well, he WOULD have said it if...look, it was implied, trust me). Stargate goes *swoosh* and we go through, SG-1 first.  
  
12:00How is it that I manage to hurt myself first thing I do on another planet? Run into Teal'cs back, hurting nose AGAIN. Ooh, blood, something new and different. Sitting down now.  
  
12:02Bleeding under control. Can now risk standing up and joining rest of SG-1 for 13 mile hike towards replicator nest. Yay, fun.  
  
17:48What with sudden sinkholes, immensely dense underbrush, a river in our way, and me fainting once from blood lost via nasal cavity, it's taken a little longer than we intended to get to our destination. If looks could kill, all of SG-3 and –5 would have murdered me ten times over for that last one. Somehow I get the feeling they blame me for the sinkholes, too. Makes sense; I'm beginning to think I'm cursed as well. Anyhow, there's the replicator mound, a weird grayish type...thing, sitting where an Asgard research station once was. Hmm, wonder what Thor and his buddies were researching that attracted their attention.  
  
17:49So now we wait for the next scheduled contact with the SGC. Meanwhile, we paint a bead on the replicator mound thingie so that the SGC can launch their missiles and blow it up. Energy shield thingie won't protect against projectiles and explosives, right? Cause I'd absolutely hate to have to go back to the SGC before dying today. Yep, that would be such a bummer.  
  
17:55Bored, buh-buh-buh-bored, buh-buh-buh-bored, buh-buh-buh-bored buh-buh-buh-bored buh-buh-buh-bored. Did I mention I'm bored? No artifacts, ruins, or natives societies to study anywhere within a billion miles. Just a bunch of relentlessly replicating little metallic bugs that we're tasked to destroy. Remind me again why I'm here?  
  
18:00Contact made with SGC, Hammond sending missiles through now. Wonder how long this will take...what's that bright light there, anyways? Uh-oh. Shockwave incoming! Duck, duck fool!  
  
18:01Phew, that was close. Okay, now what step is next in our plan to meet certain death? Yes, I do look at it that-oomf.  
  
18:02I will never, EVER be near another explosion again as long as I live, which may not be very long anyways. Will somebody help me up? Thanks Sam. I swear, who would expect to be hit by massive flying chunks of dirt after a missile strike? And who would expect the dirt to smell like rotten eggs?  
  
18:08At entrance to replicator thingie now, with no sign of our metallic hosts. Maybe I got lucky and that missile killed them all. Yeah right. Can we go now? No, we DON'T need to check and make sure they're all gone. See, Sam says the shield thing is gone, so the Asgard can come and clean out their own place. Oh fine, I'll go in too, but it'll be your fault when I die, Jack.  
  
18:14Okay, over five minutes inside looking at burnt replicator pieces and I'm still alive. Does that mean the roof will collapse over us any minute, or that a ruptured power core is about to critical beneath our feet? In case you hadn't noticed, I've lost my optimistic touch over recent events.  
  
18:15Thought I heard a chittering sound...wait, did I just see something move? Okay, back away slowly towards the rest of the team...who's mysteriously disappeared. Yeah, now would be a good time to PANIC! RUN JACKSON, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BUT DON'T HIT YOUR HEAD ON THE-ouch...  
  
23:55Wake up Daniel, the afterlife awaits. You know you're dead because the last thing you remember is running like a little girl away from an imaginary thing you didn't even see, thus impacting your cranium against a rock formation at high velocity. leaving you helpless in a replicator nest. Huh, that's weird; normally I'm a little groggy after hitting my head and knocking myself unconscious. Hopefully I'm not getting used to this. C'mon, open your eyes, damnit!  
  
23:56Oh great, that's just stinking great, I'm blind. Either that or it's just really, really dark, and I'm not lucky enough for the second choice. Maybe if I rub my eyes a little-why can't I reach my eyes? Maybe my arms are bound. Wait, why would replicators bind my arms? Why would they keep me alive, period?  
  
23:57Let's try moving around a little. First stand up-or don't since you're already standing up. Did I mention this was weird? Okay, let's try walking. Hmm, okay that's good, except I feel like I'm having to put twice as much effort into this no, not just in terms of energy but in coordination as well. Oh, if only I could see, I WANT TO SEE! Wow, that's amazing, I can see! But why is everything tinted this weird color? Maybe my eyes have mutated...hmm, forget it, let's just get out of here.  
  
23:58Easier said than done, I see. I'm in a HUUUGE replicator room. Must have been far down enough to escape most of the blast. There's an uber-relicator, or super-replicator, or whatever we call them now, sitting in the corner, with several normal ones surrouding it. It's hooked up to some sort of weird band thing. I should leave now. There's a small opening in the wall behind me about six feet up. Maybe I can pull myself up-yikes, what the Hell? My arms, what happened to my arms?!  
  
23:59Okay, reflective surface, find one, now. Looking, looking, looking, there's one. And...AAAAH, I'M A REPLICATOR!!!  
  
TBC  
  
// Aren't I evil? Next I'll write….thursday! Gee, I hope no-one catches on to the ingenious plot progression here.  
  
//It's a lonely little button. Won't you push it, let it know it's loved? Yes, push the-wait, not the back button! NOOO-*click* 


	4. Thursday

Weekend's almost here, but is that a good thing for Daniel? Read on and find out.  
See previous chapter for details  
Authors Note: I hope all of you appreciate that I've permanently severed my tie to sanity for the sake of this story. I'm not sure I'd recognize my sanity now if I saw it. Sorry for the delay, btw; work and school had me pinned down for a while.  
  
Thursday  
  
0:00 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  
  
0:01 -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-  
  
0:02 HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
0:03 Whew, okay, think I'm done now. Oh look, there's my reflection again and-AAAAAHHHH!  
  
0:04 Okay, have got a grip on myself now, though it's tenuous at best. I think I may have just done the equivalent of the Indy 500 around this room in the past five minutes. Well, I'm not getting anything accomplished this way; let's find a way out of this mess. There's the hole thing on the wall. Just need to get through that.  
  
0:05 I could have sworn I heard those other replicators snicker at me just now. Hey, I'm new to this; of course I don't know how not to fall off the wall on the first try. Okay, let's see...little thingies on my feet/claws/whatevers, activate them and yay, I'm not falling down! So what if I'm on the floor, not falling down whilst on the floor is a big step for me, considering my luck as of late.  
  
0:07 Okay, now to try this trick on the walls. One step up, okay. Two steps, that's both front legs/limbs/I dunnos on the wall. Now three and four and sweet, I'm doing it! Aha, I made it to the hole. Uh-oh, other replicators don't like that. They're giving chase, run Jackson…or, scamper electronically, like you're doing, whatever.  
  
0:09 Wow, who knew I'd be better at running from replicators AS a replicator than the real me? Think I've got the whole hive on my tail now, though, all one hundred of them. For crying out loud, just go away, you freaky little iron arachnids!  
  
0:10 Sunlight, praise the Lord! Into the above world. Now, if I could just remember which way to the damn Stargate. Yikes, replicators…besides me, I mean. Okay, away from them, that's where it is, away from them. Let's just pick a direction and RUN!  
  
1:03 Okay, good news, I outran the replicators. Bad news, I'm lost. Worse news, can't recognize anything because I'm now six feet shorter than I was on the way in. Worst news, I'm pretty sure the others left without me. Hey, maybe Sam said, 'Wait a second sir, I have feeling something happened to Daniel. Maybe he was captured by the replicators and somehow forced outside his body and will be joining us anytime now to catch a ride back to Earth so we can fix him.' Yeah right, and I'll sprout wings and fly back to Earth. Little, metallic wings that-wait a second, does these little flap things count as wings?  
  
1:04 Okay, obviously they do NOT work as wings, as my twenty-meter fall to the ground off of that small cliff demonstrated. But hey, at least I don't have pain receptors as a replicator. Yes, my one blessing in this private Hell reserved for Dr. Daniel Jackson. Now what?  
  
1:05 As if this day couldn't get any worse, THIS had to happen. Put me down you stupid bird! Can't you see I'm a big, acid-spewing, world-destroying mechanical bug thing?! Maybe if I spray his feet. Haha, there, now do what I-wow, that's a long way down. Wait, I changed my mind, don't-oh crap.  
  
1:06 Soon to meet the ground, again. I REALLY hope I'm one of those replicators that reforms after it's blown apart by severe blunt force trauma.  
  
2:47 Okay, so replicators CAN feel pain, especially when their respective bits are strewn across desert sands for twenty feet in all directions. I can't believe I maintained consciousness that whole time. Took long enough to reform, though. If I'm ever fortunate to get out of this and have kids, they will NEVER play with Legos, I don't care how much they beg.  
  
2:48 Last bit's in place, so I'm fully functional again. Now, as to that thing I thought I saw when I was in the clouds, it seemed like a big ring. Unless there's another giant, rotating ring on this planet, that was probably the Stargate. Hopefully it won't take too long to get there.  
  
5:33 Wow, that went quicker than expected. I only got lost twice, not counting the one time getting swept away by the river that is. Stupid fish, trying to eat me. Okay, now all I have to do is dial home and...crap!  
  
5:34 I forgot about the stupid iris! Figures. Like life was gonna go easy on me for once. Probably the only reason I'm alive so far is that my continued existence somehow pleases and entertains some divine entity or other which has the power over life and death. Wonder which one I'm classified as being in now...no, focus! Let's just hope that my existence continues to please so that I can get home and get this mess straightened out...which leads us back to the problem of the iris, damnit!  
  
5:35 The alpha site, of course, why didn't I think of that...before, I mean. Let's see, just climb up on the DHD...  
  
5:35 Okay, let's try that again, without the falling off this time. Crap, it's not working. This stuff must be a non-stick surface for replicators. Figures. All right, I'll just have to jump up, then. Oh look at that, the worlds most pitiful standing high jump, all of two inches. Guess I'm still getting the hang of this 'being a replicator' stuff.  
  
5:36 A rock, that's what I need, a nice big rock. I climb up on it, get a tiny little running start and then land on top of the DHD. Just one problem: I'm far too small to push around a rock that big. Okay, maybe some little rocks, piled together. Yeah, a pile of them, that would only take me ten or twelve years to accumulate.  
  
5:37 Sweet Holy Hannah, a stick! Man, I never though I'd be so happy to see a dead branch in my life. Okay, let's just drag you over here and I can climb up you to the top, neato.  
  
5:38 Okay, this is kinda slow and I'm having to climb sideways, but it's working, be there in a second...  
  
5:39 Yes, I rule! All that I survey if mine, mine I tell you! Now, Lord Jackson commands his lowly DHD servant to dial the alpha site, now! Lesse, push this and that, gate goes swoosh, though it I go. Goodbye stupid replicator world-  
  
5:40 -Hello belligerent marines pointing M-16s at me. Yikes, running, running, running for me-OW!  
  
5:42 Good news: I'm safe from those stupid marines and their guns in this little underground tunnel. Bad news, I'm missing precisely 23.8456937% of my body mass, which includes one hind leg and a wing thingie. Weird though it is, I can tell where those bits are and know they're all still functional, just waiting for me to come and get them. Hopefully no scientists from the base will come by and collect portions of my shiny hide; I kinda need that last leg.  
  
5:44 Okay, back at the site where I was recently shot to pieces...literally. Let's get those bits back together. If I ever find out who those two marines were, I'll...do something very terrible to them, as soon as I can think up a suitable punishment. Hmm, wonder if Janet will give out free physicals to unwilling patients?  
  
5:45 Okay, in one piece (of pieces) once again. Let's find the base.  
  
6:04 Okay, scouting of the bases perimeter done. I can now safely conclude that my earlier estimates of a one-in-a-million chance of getting snuck back into the SGC were in error. New estimates show a reassuring snowballs-chance-in-Hell odds of getting back to Earth instead. If only there was some way I could tell when they were going to go back through the Gate, so I could sneak aboard their packs or something.  
  
6:05 Ooh, a trap! I could rig something up so that a branch would fall on someone's head while they were marching back to the Stargate. Then their comrades would put aside their packs to help him, so I could sneak aboard and extract myself once I was back at the SGC, somehow having pulled off a miracle and hidden from the bases news replicator sensors behind some ration bars. Those things are thick enough to block a sensor unit, right?  
  
6:06 What the-okay, it's not pretty, but it's probably my only chance of getting back to Earth, outside of being carried back bit-by-bit in two-thousand separate plastic baggies. In I go. I just hope no-one ever finds out that I once rode back to the SGC in a box of offworld fertilizer samples.  
  
6:07 Wow, I don't even have any olfactory organs anymore and it STILL smells terrible! Still, could be worse-am I rusting?  
  
6:08 Here comes a soldier boy, and another one. Yes, come, take me home and...WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WE'LL DELIVER IT TOMORROW?!' No, come back here you gun-toting neanderthals!  
  
7:48 Well, what a fine mess I'm in now. Not able to emerge from the dung heap because I'll be shot, knowing my luck. What's worse, the wonder twins who were just here have decided to slack off on duty and postponed their duties for another 24 hours. All that and I really do think I'm starting to rust.  
  
9:58 I'm not sure if this is a good setting to be thinking about food, but I'm hungry, however that works. Seeing as I'm now mechanical with no way of eating, this is a problem that I do not foresee any immediate solution to. Why is my current predicament reminding of lasagna?  
  
10:43 Movement, sounds, smells (not the good type-how am I DOING this?!?), what does that mean? Ooh, I heard something about the Red Sox, did they win last night? Wait, what am I thinking, this is no time to talk about the Red Sox…unless they won. Wait, lifting motion, I'm being carried, carried to the Stargate?  
  
10:44 I hear a whoosh, a big whoosh. I'M GOING HOME-wait, what if they scan me? They can detect replicators behind dung; I'll be found! I'd better-  
  
10:45 -and it's too late, cause I'm back on Earth. Yes, stand back soldier, there's a mechanical terror in that crap. Time to enact plan B...as soon as I come up with plan B.  
  
10:46 There goes the lid, no time for plan B. Let's go to plan R, for RUN LIKE HELL! Out of the way simpletons, can't you see I'm running from certain death here? No, don't listen to Jack, don't shoot it, give it time to come out from under the ramp and find a place to hide.  
  
10:47 Yes Sam, good point, maybe I'm defective, since I'm not assimilating anyone and I'm leaving whole civilizations alone-wait, that's the Borg I'm thinking about. No, don't toss a grenade to it, I don't digest shrapnel well. Aha, an electrical duct, just what I need. Spray the grate and break it in, and away I gooo! Whahahahahahaha, suckers! Okay, that was a little creepy...I'll blame the replicatorness in me.  
  
11:24 Okay, I'm lost now. Lost and hunted by the people I've worked with for five years now. Hey, I'm pretty sure I've seen that bundle of colored wires before. Hmmmmm, I wonder...  
  
11:25 YEEEOOCCHH! Okay, apparently I can't hook into the bases network by biting the wires. Stupid Daniel, no data for you. Better move on before Sam figures out that the power outage here wasn't from Jack tinkering with Teal'cs staff weapon again.  
  
14:13 Honestly, just how many miles of ducts ARE there in the SGC? I've been wandering around like this for hours, and I don't have a clue where I am in the mountain. In fact-  
  
14:14 Hope no-one heard that. How did I not know I was upside down...and how do you right yourself like this? Damnit, I can't get back to normal if I'm on my back like this. Stupid gravity, always making fun of me.  
  
14:25 After much shuffling, scraping, and generally exhausting thrashing of limbs and wings (yes, I'm sticking with that name for them now), I'm back on my feet. Time to find...whatever can help me here. Okay, let's see: high-tech science dealing with alien races, reversing bizarre afflictions visited upon human beings, general miracle working…Sams lab it is.  
  
14:58 I don't know why, but I have this remarkable urge to eat this fan in front of me. Well, can't hurt that much, can it?   
  
14:59 Ouch, my teethies. Okay, let's try softening the meal this time. Acid sprayer GO! Man, that sounded cheesy. Oooh, the fan's looking cheesy.  
  
15:02 Hmm, so aluminum tastes like saltines. Who would've thought? Okay, now back to the task of navigating the labyrinth. All I need now is a minotaur to fight me to complete the cliche.  
  
17:56 So this is taking longer than I thought it would, big deal. So I'm lost in the vast recesses of a secret military mountain complex, so what. So I'm stuck in a form that I'll probably never get out of, permanently absent all my normal human senses, unable to experience the things that normally give me joy...I need a hug.  
  
17:57 Wait, I believe I just heard a 'Doh!' There's a grate, get to it fast. It's Jack! He's walking somewhere...I know that swagger. He's going to bug Sam. Okay, follow the grown-up juvenile delinquent!  
  
18:01 And we're here...and Sam is not. Not good. C'mon Jack, do something. Fiddle with her equipment, she'll come running from ten miles away, we've seen it happen. Oh, pick that one, it looks expensive. Complex too; a surefire sign he'll break it. That's it, good boy Jack.  
  
18:02 And enter Samantha, to her equipments rescue. That's good, now usher him out so you can get some work done. Oh, even better, join him in the commissary. Yes, they're gone, now I can get things started.  
  
18:04 Ok, Sams computer, right in front of me. I can safely say that I have no idea what to do next, just that it involves this computer. Hmm, she DID tell me that I would not survive tampering with this thing; maybe I'm subconsciously looking to commit suicide...nah. A message! Yes, of course, why I didn't I think of that...wait, nevermind.  
  
18:05 Doh, can't use the mouse like this. All right, just have to remember those shortcuts Sam's always using.  
  
18:06 Mmmhmm, yeah, okay, open Word, need big font. Times New Roman too, it's the best type. Uh-oh, where's the delete key on this? Okay, almost done-crap, the door!  
  
18:07 Ah, the benefits of being tiny. Hiding under workbenches is SO much easier like this. No Jack, don't shoot the stupid metal spider, it's your friend. C'mon Sam, read the message already. No, no SFs I do not need exterminating!  
  
18:08 THANK YOU; listen to Sam, Jack. You know she's smarter than you and me put together; or just me, I guess. Yes, I'm Daniel, your friend and companion through the Stargate for many trips now. Most recently, I've had my body converted to metal bits as a tiny tinker toys terror, but it's me nonetheless.  
  
18:09 ...um, okay...I guess it can't hurt to come out in the open. Hiya Sam-wow, that's a big gun. Maybe I'll just back into my little dark corner again and-hey! Let me out of this sack right this instant Jack! This is not the way you treat the guy who regularly negotiates the safe removal of your hide from indigenous aboriginal hands, okay?  
  
18:10 And I'm being carried. Carried to where, I don't know. Hey, no need to slam me on the table, I'm not doing anything to you...not that this trend is likely to continue in the immediate future, mind you. No more sack over my head (figuratively speaking), now it's one of those nifty clear plastic boxes. Great, I'm an exhibit. Wonder what they'll charge to see me?  
  
23:34 This is getting a little boring. I've already tallied the composition of the air (79% nitrogen, 20% oxygen, and 1% various odors unique to the military world, most deadly to the public at large), counted all the tiles in the room (twice), and I'll been walking around the walls of this thing like an insane gerbil astronaut running in a cubic wheel for exercise. Hey, might as well exercise while I'm here, right? Various people have come through here recently, including Hammond, Teal'c, and Janet (what, no Doctor or Frasier now? I wonder if this is the beginning of a trend) stopped by too, more out of idle curiosity than anything else, I think. They talked, pointed, gesticulated, talked some more, ran some tests, talked some more (wow, we do a lot of that around here, don't we), searched the premises for signs of a replicator invasion, and then, you guessed it, talked some MORE. Y'know, maybe mimes have the right idea; it's not so bad not talking. Just ask the deadly alien ferro-spider in the plastic prison in front of you.  
  
23:46 Jack tried to get me riled up a little, making jokes about how I lost a few legs (spider joke I guess), asking if I ate his watch, that sort of stuff. I've got a few electrode thingies on my head that were attached via remote robot arm. I guess they're monitoring my brainwaves/thought patterns/thinking lines/you know what I mean. It was quite fun to watch Jack come up with inventive insults towards replicators, but he's running low on material. I have absolutely NO idea where he got the idea for us metal bugs starting reality TV, but he's going with that thread nonetheless.  
  
23:57 Okay, this isn't working; they're not DOING anything! I need results, fast; I don't want to blow up soon because I haven't learned how replicators are supposed to go to the bathroom…if we do. Let's tap on the container, an SOS should get their attention. Yes, here they come.  
  
23:58 Sam's saying something; sounds like she's talking about me, but like I'm not here. What is this crap about, huh? Hey, I'm right here, the little silvery guy waving his arms at you. Oh come on people, what do I have to do to convince you, the Macarena?!  
  
23:59 What? Of course I'm Daniel, who else would be me but ME? Duh! Wait, who's that coming in the door...and WHAT IS HE DOING IN MY BODY?!?!  
  
TBC  
  
Friday, the day things fry, is up next. Stay tuned.  
Calling all reviews, I repeat, reviews come home! 


	5. Friday

Friday, the end of the week. Is it also the end for Daniel Jackson?  
See previous chapter for details Authors Note: Hiyo, campers. I'm back to school, with work to do...so, of course, I'll be writing plenty of stories to help entertain everyone. Enjoy.  
  
Friday  
  
0:00 What...the...HELL?! I must be seeing things, because I could swear I was just looking at ME. Okay, I'll close my eyes and, when I open them, my body will not be parading around before me (which it has absolutely NO business doing in the first place). That's it, just close my eyes and-damn, forget I didn't have eyelids.  
0:01 Boy, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, THIS has to happen. Wonder what this means anyways? Did those replicators copy my consciousness into this new form? Oh no, please say it's not that, puh-leeeeezze say otherwise...oh great...person who says so...in these matters.  
0:02 Huh, what are they doing? Hey, stop pointing at me! That includes you, me. I mean, you...who is me. Not me, really, since I'm me, but...or are you me too? Oh great, now I have a headache...which seems rather strange considering I don't even have a head in this form. Hey, I told you, stop the pointing!  
0:03 No, don't leave. I'll be left here alone in a big plastic box with nothing to do, not even a wheel to run in. The only person I'll have to glare at is nameless SF #54 over there, and glaring doesn't do anything to them. Please, Sam, PLEASE come back! My coffee is yours for a month, no, THREE months, if you come baaaack and she's gone. Ditto for Janet and the rest and the other me. Great.  
4:41 Very bored. Extraordinarily bored. Supremely bored. Jack-like bored. That's how bored I am. With only 2.38146912 cubic feet to move around in, you'd be bored too. The fact that I am, somehow, able to do incredible things with numbers in my head (so to speak) has not alleviated this problem thus far. Believe me, when your mind is a super-efficient network of highly advanced mechanical design, you're able to count things very quickly. So, naturally, I now know everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, about this room number wise. Roughly 814.326 cubic feet, 112 square tiles on the floors, each 6.428 inches wide, ambient temperature 28.62459 degrees Celcius, that sort of thing. If I ever have to do my taxes or anything involving numbers again myself, I will go insane.  
5:22 Boredom reaches unmanageable point. I start tapping on the glass box. Tune comes to mind. Begin tune-tapping-on-box.  
5:23 I find I enjoy tune-tapping. Thinking of doing Beethovens 5th on uber-dense plastic container. Don't see any reason not to.  
5:28 Big dumb SF gives me reason not to; i.e. he points his big gun at me. I cease tune-tapping.  
5:32 Have commenced thoughts of murdering SF for eliminating only recourse to preserve sanity. Considering this through application of replicator acid to various parts of body. Thoughts prove amusing. I zone out.  
6:52 Quickly zone back in from pleasant day-dream about maiming annoying SF when Sam walks in. Does the woman not sleep at all?  
6:53 As Sam is looking at data sensor thingies are saying about me, I get an idea. Thank God one of the languages I know is Morse code. Hey, if Jack can claim it as one, so can I!  
6:54 I think she's getting the message. Yes, she's interested and walking this way! Haha, I'm a genius...sort of. Actually, now that I think of it, even Teal'c probably knows how to do an SOS in Morse code by now. Ah well, begin new phase of message.  
6:56 Message complete. Sam looking at me weird. She understood it, right? Of all the ironies in the world, for her, a mathematical genius, to not know Morse code-  
6:57 What's she doing? What? A pencil and paper? Sam, I'm an iron spider, not the iron monkey; kinda lacking in the opposable thumbs category at the second, so you can-oh, you're writing messages for me. Okay, now that makes sense, I guess.  
6:58 'Can-I-understand-what-you've-written-here?' What's Morse code for 'Duh'?  
6:59 Very surprised look on Sams face now. Good, I got through to her. Oh, more writing. 'What-do-I-want?' Oh boy, here goes.  
7:06 Never seen Sam in 'totally shocked' mode before. If her eyes go any wider, Janet will need to sew her eyes back in after they fall out. Yo, Sammy, wake up girl! Accentuate message with impatient tapping. Good, she gets it. All of it, I hope. Wait, what are you doing? NO, come back, come back please I need-and she's gone. Damn you, science woman, I'm a ferric bug in need of help, here!  
7:09 Oh good, you're back Sam. Oh, hi Teal'c, Jack, Janet, General. Tap threat to Sam to reveal contents of her diary to Jack if she leaves again.  
7:10 Hey, stop manhandling my cage! I get the point, no more tappity threats. Sheesh, never mess with that woman where thoughts of Jack are concerned.  
7:12 They're talking...and talking...hey, feel free to include me here, folks. I'm only the one you're all supposed to save, anyways. By the way, I'm blaming this all on Jack. No particular reason, he just fits the role pretty well overall. I'll say it was for the bad jokes he threw at me earlier.  
7:14 Well, thank you for FINALLY getting back to me. What? THINK my message to you? If this is a joke, I will spray every single one of you for it. I'm not even close to kidding at this point.  
7:15 Oh, the electrode thingies on my head! Okay, NOW I get it. Okay, think, think, think electricity, electricity going out of me, electricity going out with a message to the computer it's hooked up to.  
7:16 They seem rather confused. I don't blame them. I have no idea why I sent out a short clip of Jack being struck by lightning instead of a text message of what I meant to say. I DO know I enjoyed watching it, though. Hehehe, entertaining evil Jack-hurting ideas.  
7:17 Fine, fine. I'll try again. Huh? My voice? What, you want to know whether replicators are tenors or sopranos? Oh, think my voice to you. Eh, sounds tricky but I'll try.  
7:18 Is that what I sound like? My God, I sound like such a nancy-boy! Great, now I KNOW Janet will never go out with me. Wait, no, I didn't mean to send that thought-oh crap. Hey, she's cute when she blushes. Dammit, not again! If I ever get my body back, I will suffer a needle-ridden death when this is over, I can tell. Crap, not AGAIN!  
7:19 Yes, Jack, good idea, your only one so far this whole fiasco. Let's get back on track here. Just give me a minute.  
7:20 Okay, I think I can keep my thoughts from broadcasting into computer. Let's start the story.  
7:53 And that's how I ended up here, as a minute metallic arachnid of replicating death. Now, if you all could please stop gaping at me and just GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE, that'd be great.  
7:54 What? What do you mean, you'll need time?! No no no, I realize what you mean, but why? I don't think any of you understand my dilemma here: I'm in a plastic cage with nothing to entertain me while my body is out doing who-knows-what without my permission (for which I will punish it later on, in some way as to not hurt me when I have it back, however such a thing can be done). Listen, it's all very simple: contact Thor and tell him to get his skinny little grey ass over here pronto to get me back into my body. That's it, go do it!  
7:55 Sam knows I'm right and is convincing everyone else of it as we speak. Wait, what's that about the other Daniel? Look, stop calling him me, all right? I'm me, me-me, not him, him-me, got it?  
7:56 Okay, they're satisfied and going call Thor. Wait, hold on! Taping urgent message of 'Hey, I'm not through here, yet!' Thank you. Listen, why don't you guys just let me out? I'm me, I don't care about replicating. I won't draw attention either...yeah, a replicator running around loose at the SGC, unattended, sipping coffee and typing a report for new off-world artifacts onto my computer. Actually, you know what? Forget that last idea and just let me know when Thor gets here.  
8:12 Sam informs me that Thor is on his way. Wonder when he'll get here-ahh, bright light!  
8:13 Okay, it's official: I hate that beaming sensation. It's actually very...disconcerting when you're in a state like mine. Jack, Sam, and computer-hooked-up-to-my-'head' are present. Hiya Thor, nice to see you again. Now fix this damn problem you caused with me or I'll bite your scrawny Asgard butt.  
8:14 Okay, fine, you can do a scanning thing on me first. Weird light beam coming into existence and going over me. Ooh, hey, that tickles, haha-ouch, hey watch where you're pointing that beam-whoa, wait, no, got back a inch, that felt good-yikes, what are you DOING with that thing?  
8:15 I take it from the beam thingie disappearing that you're done? Oh good. Any ideas?  
8:16 Of course, why didn't I think of that? We've switched bodies, me and some replicator...for some absolutely incomprehensible and totally ridiculous reason that really doesn't serve to benefit anyone in any way. Whatever, I don't care, just get me my body back.  
8:17 Ooookay, apparently there are some problems. Namely the fact that, among other things, I could die trying to get back into my body. That and the Asgard will need some time to study my body and figure out how to make the transfer. Hmm, let's see, life as a replicator, or risk death to become me again? Wow, what a hard choice. So much for smart aliens. I'LL TAKE THE CHANCE, YOU GREY-SKINNED ANOREXIC HOBBITY FREAK!  
8:18 Note to self: refrain from yelling obscenities at Asgard Supreme Commanders or risk being beamed back into plastic cage with stupid computer still attached to head. Fantastic.  
8:31 Jack and Sam are back, along with Teal'c, who's dragging...me. Him-me, I mean. My body, okay, that's what I mean, he's got my body! It looks like Teal'c did a number on me, too. Him, I mean. Him-me, as opposed to me-me. Teal'c, you're gonna have to answer for what you did to him-me later on when I'm back in my body. My body is turned in to bright white light as Thor takes my body to his ship.  
8:32 Okay, apparently Thor is gonna need a few hours to work through this thing. Probably wants to sit in his ship for a few hours and laugh his bulbous little head off at my predicament. This is the LAST time I help the Asgard like this, EVER!  
11:03 Well, it hasn't been that bad, these past couple of hours. Sam brought in a TV and rigged it up so I could change the channel through the computer-that's-attached-to-my-sorta-head-through-the-wires. It's weird, I never noticed it before, but if Jack had grown his hair long and dyed it, he'd look just like MacGyver. Must remember to show this to Sam and Teal'c when I get my body back.  
11:04 It's not fair, my having to live through all these fast food commercials. I've forgotten how good bad food tastes; if I had a stomach, it'd be twitching in hunger right now. Hmm, that stack of beakers looks pretty yummy. A disturbing thought, but still... Maybe I can just burn a hole through the plastic, jump on over and eat a few before-  
11:05 -damnit, Thor, stop doing that! You scared the...well, you WOULD have scared the crap out of me, had this body the ability to crap. And was it really necessary to bring up the big plastic prison box, too?  
11:06 Oh good, the rest of the gang is here: both me's, SG-1, and Thor, our ET fairy-godfather in the big-shiny ship. Uh, hey, people, little help here? I can't hear what's going on.  
11:07 All right, that's fine, ignore me. I'm not putting up with this any longer: spray time! Ha, take THAT, stupid suffocating plastic box!  
11:08 Um, seems like the acid doesn't work against the box. Didn't even scratch it, actually. And to add insult to injury, they're STILL ignoring me. That's it, CHARGE!  
11:09 First things first: ooowww. But hey, the box moved! So, in order to get within hearing distance of everyone else, all I have to do is ram the top of the box facing them...47 more times and I'll sorta-roll within hearing distance of them. Easy. Okay, and CHARGE-omf!  
11:15 Halfway there. I think Teal'c spared me a glance once, but they still seem deep in conversation about something. Ha, don't worry about me, I'll be there in no time! That's right, I'm coming for all of you ignoramouses.  
11:16 Crap, the stupid cord connected me to the computer is taut now, so I can't go any further...unless, I was to pull the computer closer by grabbing the wires above my head and yanking on them, thus pulling them closer to me. Worth a shot.  
11:17 Well, THAT got their attention. Hey, it's not MY fault the computer fell off the stand, okay? All I did was violently yank it until it crashed into the deck. Jack, again, I'm blaming all of this on you...and Thor.  
11:18 Finally, out of the box. Jack's putting me on this weird Asgard pedestal thingie. My body, apparently comatose (thank you Teal'c, I owe you a concussion when this is done) is on another, larger table thing. Okay, now what?  
11:19 What does that mean, 'convince it to leave me?' I can't talk to it-me because it's out like a light! When I'm 'inside'? I'm not even sure I WANT to know what-yikes!  
11:20 Oooooh, head...hurts. Damnit, Thor, stop it with the flashy lights and everything. I'm tingling, all over, even my hands-wait a minute, hands! I have hands again, woohoo! And feet, beloved feet! It's my body, it's back! Yeehahahahaha!  
11:21 Okay, temporary lapse of sanity has passed. Still, I've got my body back, wohoo! Yes, my body is back, my-what the hell is with the lights? And where's SG-1 and Thor? Come to think of it, where's Thors ship?  
11:22 Okay, this is not good. Let's try yelling, maybe they'll hear me, wherever they are.  
11:23 No luck. Well, this is great, just great. I get my body back only to be stuck in some sort of weirdly-colored, twilight-zonish place where-what was that noise? It sounded like...okay, turn around, sloooowwly, and-  
11:24 Yep, it's a replicator. A big, frickin' HUGE replicator that's looking at me very intently (I can tell since I just spent over 24 hours as one). I wonder if I can outrun one that size. Time to find out, yahhhh!  
11:26 Okay, I haven't heard it following me, so it must be way far behind me. Whew, okay I guess I can turn around now and-yikes! It's right here in front of me, again! I didn't even hear the damn thing move. Let's try backing away, slowly.  
11:27 What the hell, that doesn't work either. Am I on some sort of invisible treadmill or something? Oh, it's because I'm not on the ground? Okay, that explains-who said that?  
11:28 You heard me, where are you? I am not in the mood to be messed with, so show yourself already! ... What do you mean, you're already here? The only other thing I see is the giant replicator and-oh no. No, no no no, please tell me it's not the giant replicator talking.  
11:29 Gah, I just ASKED you NOT to tell me that! ... That's okay, you're forgiven, you stupid metal gnat. ... What? You heard that? How? I didn't say anything.  
11:30 Oh great, that's just great; we can hear everything the other one thinks, huh? Fantastic. Well, at least I'll know if you try to lie to me about something, then. Now, why are you here, and where is here, exactly?  
11:31 We're in my head?! ... No, I know you're not speaking literally. ... We're inside my mind? Well, since it's my mind, can I at least change the scenery? Wavy purple lines against a black background is kinda creepy.  
11:32 Oh, that was easy. Now, back to my question, WHY are you HERE, in my mind? Why didn't you leave? ... You wanted to learn about humanity? What for? I though replicators only consumed, killed, and, well, replicated. ... Uh-huh ... Yeah ... Right ... Listen, you could have stopped at just 'I was dispatched to obtain information on human beings,' okay?  
11:33 Right, so what's it gonna take to get you to leave my mind alone with me in it? ... That's it? You just wanted to view my memories? I guess that makes sense, since it's MY mind that the memories, so they went with me when I switched bodies with you. Okay, if I show you what you want to know, will you leave? YES! Okay then, where do you want to start?  
13:54 And THAT is how you eat watermelons. Okay, any type of food we haven't covered yet? We've done junk food, health food, meats, breads, fruits, nuts, veggies, and everything in between. ... No, nothing? Fine then, onto drinks.  
14:41 Because you just do. ... I know it has a bad effect on you, but that's not the point. ... To get drunk, of course! ... Because neat things happen when you're drunk, okay? ... Such as? Umm, well, I once streaked across campus after a kegger a friend dragged me along to, although that wasn't really fun, now that I think of it. I really shouldn't have been engaging in such an activity when I couldn't walk straight for five feet. Rose bushes, ouch. Can we move along now? You've dawdled on alcohol enough, I think.  
14:59 Okay, drinks are done. That takes care of consumables and-what? No, I am not going to cover drugs. I have very little experience in those matters, anyways ... yes, except for morphine. Yep, lots and LOTS of experience with that. Pick something else. ... I dunno, some sort activity.  
15:38 It just had to choose driving, didn't it? Hmm, oh, you're viewing THIS memory now. Look, I was a student driver, all right? It's not MY fault that mailbox was sticking so far out into the road. ... No, I don't think the cat ever did recover. ... Hey, it's easy to get those pedals mixed up! ... Sure, people run into hedges like that all the times. Just ask Teal'c, he did it on his second time out. All right, you finished? Good, what next? ... Sleep? All right, but it'll be very short and boring.  
15:41 I TOLD you it would be short! What...are you laughing? Great, of all the deadly iron bugs of doom that could invade my mind, I had to get the one with a sense of humor. No, it was not funny when I fell out of bed like that! ... Because that mattress was 4 feet up and it hurt. Just choose something else, okay?  
19:21 I don't know HOW I know this (I'm guessing Cirdanian rythym), but it's past quarter past seven and this thing has gone through everything from camping, dancing, shooting (which it decided it really didn't like), flying (which confused it greatly), swimming (which freaked it out), reading (it got bored of that REAL fast), video games (loves those), movies, makeup (time with Cassie, that's all I'm saying; it was inevitable), roller coasters, clothes (the idea of replicators playing dress up is, for some reason, simultaneously monumentally horrifying and remarkably hilarious), puzzles, animals (which it confused with food, initially), and an aborted attempt at teaching it humor (the universe it cruel enough, in retrospect). I have NO idea what it wants next, but I CAN say it will be the LAST thing I teach it. You hear that? ... Good, now what-oh no. Absolutely not. No way in HELL! ... Yes, I want my body back. Okay, okay, fine, I'll teach you about sex.  
19:22 Okay, let's start with the basics: anatomy. Okay, this is a male human being (not shown to scale). All right, note the lower portions of the anatomy and-you know what, it'd be better if I just showed you and got this over with quickly and somewhat less painlessly.  
19:23 No, I don't want to start at the beginning of the memory because it was a bad one. ... It involved alcohol, all right? No, that's NOT always a good thing. Didn't you learn that from the rose bush memory? Look we're just going to skip ahead to the subject of this memory, ok?  
19:26 I'm pretty sure, if replicators had jaws, this one's would be on the floor. Either that or it'd be drooling. The worst part is, Jack just up and left me there at that bar when he KNEW that woman was going to drag me home and have her way with me. And to add insult to injury, this is the first time in 3 years that I've been able to remember what came next. Yikes! I forgot she could that with her-uh, yeah, I'll be quite now.  
20:57 Stupid little ferric twerp insisted on seeing my experiences with Sha're and Sarah, too. ... No, this does NOT happen between human beings all the time. ... Look, marrying someone you don't even know through the complex traditions of some aboriginal society you're temporarily visiting is NOT a common practice on Earth, okay?  
21:14 It just HAD to ask for a brief lesson in porn, too, didn't it? Fortunately, I have little experience in this area. If it had asked JACK, however, this session would have lasted into next week. ... NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I WILL TEACH YOU NOTHING OF THE SORT!!! What makes you think I've even seen any gay porn, anyways?  
21:44 Good, you're done. Now, if you'd please, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!  
21:45 Wow, that was fast. Oww, head, major head ouchie. What's the noise? Eyes open-  
21:46 Off all the things to wake up to, it had to be Jack doing his 'This-confuses-me-so-I'll-stare-at-it-even-more-closely-in-the-hopes-that-will-make-my-brain-understand-it' look two inches from my face. And it is NOT my fault, Jack! If you hadn't filled my entire field of vision like some freaky SGC parade float, I wouldn't have jerked awake and banged my head into yours. Where are Janet and her painkillers when I need them?  
21:47 Yes, I'm okay and no, you don't need to kill the replicator. Believe it or not, I don't think that nest was really that much of a threat to us. Yes, Jack, of course I meant 'intentions to infiltrate the SGC by switching the minds of me and a replicator' aside. Sheesh. So, Thor, if you'll just beam us all down to the SGC, we can get this little metal bug home.  
21:58 So, we've dialed P-something-something-triple-whatever and sent the little critter home. Strangely, I don't really feel that mad at him. My body seems well enough intact; I don't even feel the concussion Teal'c must have given my body earlier on today. The really strange thing, though, is that when the replicator left, he turned around and, I can't be positive, but I think he winked at me. Which is remarkably scary since he has no eyes with which to wink. Weird.  
22:43 I've been debriefed by Hammond by now, which was a VERY lengthy debriefing. Sam wants to use the Tok'ra memory thingies we've got to go over my memories as a replicator for study. For some reason, I don't think she took me seriously when I said I'd do that when Jack wins a Nobel prize. Then again, this IS the SGC.  
22:44 No, no I don't need to see Janet, I need to get some sleep. I've still got to get ready for my hearing on Monday for assaulting a postal employee with a rotary telephone. Schedule my checkup for tomorrow, please?  
22:46 So, Hammond decided to let me get examined by Janet tomorrow, which is great because, with my head still pounding, there's only so much pain I can take at the moment. Maybe that's why I'm beginning to wonder if all this is real. Is it possible that the replicator seized control of my mind? Am I still on that Asgard bed thinie? Is it just letting me think I'm actually in full control of my body while no time at all passes and my mind eventually thinks I'm dead in some imagined future mission so the thing gets to stay in my head?  
22:47 Ouch. SF opens door, smashes my nose. Nevermind, this is obviously the real SGC.  
23:14 I cleaned up the mess the replicator made in my office, including all the candy wrappers on and around my desk (the bastard ate all my candy bars, no wonder I feel so tired), which, of course, I slipped on. Ah, it's good to be home.  
23:15 Bedding down in the SGC for tonight. No point in going home (I'd probably kill myself by colliding with a rampant herd of spooked cows, the way my luck has been lately), so my couch will have to do. Yep, good stiff, ol' spring in the back secondhand mattress. Good night, cruel world, you've given me the absolute worst week of my life.  
23:58 What's with the light? Who?  
23:59 Then again...maybe this week wasn't all that bad. Actually, now that I think of it, the week isn't over yet. Maybe things are starting to look up. Janet sneaking in to kiss a (supposedly) unconscious me goodnight kinda supports that theory. Now I can't wait for that date with my doctor. Hello, Saturday, you're looking better already.  
  
End  
  
There ya go, Daniel is home again.  
Calling all reviews, I repeat, reviews come home! 


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